Oh, presentation is crucial! At the end of every meal, I arrange the leftovers just so, so the kitchen staff knows I care.

Watching the grass grow not exciting enough for you? Try betting on the outcome...

It looked and tasted just like tofu, but they explained proudly that it was soybean free - made entirely from bleached pork byproducts.

Live life! Or are you waiting for a better offer?

Design a beer can so it looks just as good (albeit in a different way) once it's been smashed upon the street.

And there he was, staring into his cellphone like the meaning of life was to be found therein.

Album title: Hide & Sequins

thanks: Caitlyn

Only later did I learn the root of her fascination with floral curtains, a story too horrible to tell now.

Get me my scandal stylist! It's time to make some headlines!

thanks: Matthew

Sanity is a matter of context.

This was a stronger dose than I had ever taken before. There was the familiar wave of sensation as my body slowed and the world around me sped up, but where time usually plateaued, it just kept going, faster and faster, the light turning to night and back to day again. All I could do was watch, dumbfounded, as the world's drama played out below me, thankful that I had secured a perch out of sight and safe from intruders.

I'd never date a girl who'd had a boob job; I want to be the one to talk her into it.

I've been so busy symbolizing fun and excitement to everyone, I forgot to have any for myself.

Last night's tragic fifteen-car pileup seemed at first like a standard case of snow and ice, but several eye-witnesses reported hearing sleigh bells and the laughter of an unusually jolly fellow right before the screech of breaking glass and twisting metal.

I'm honest because I'm too lazy to come up with good lies.

It was one of those retro houses, all decked out like an early 21st-century suburban tract home, complete with a series of fake satellite dishes on the roof and a replica of an extremely large automobile out front.

Everyone on the street, plugged into their iPods, they've rediscovered the beauty of sign language.

It's only mysterious if you actually try to figure it out.

Band name: Seditious Grape

thanks: Matthew