If you want to be noticed, don't be too perfect; rough edges catch in the mind.

I guess, "Say it with dismembered plant sex organs," just doesn't have the same ring to it.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, why do actions speak louder than words?

Every day I rehearse the story of my life. I figure eventually I've got to get it right.

Our eyes locked; it was like we were the only two people on the planet. Then you gave me my change and said, "Next."

He spoke with such eloquence and conviction, she desperately wanted to believe him.

It was like sailing on the Titanic, from the point of view of the deck chairs.

Believe me, I'd love to deal with your bullshit if I didn't have so much of my own.

Artworks are but the footprints of the artist's journey.

You know how a certain song or even a smell will bring back vivid memories from long ago? I get the same thing from certain combinations of temperature and humidity. Is that normal?

Puppy Rentals: Great way to pick up girls, without the hassles of dog ownership! We also rent babies, for the ultra-responsible look!

Bless me, Doctor, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last physical. I eat too much, I drink too much, and I've taken the pharmaceutical industry's name in vain. For these and all of my sins, I am sorry.

Have you seen my ego? I think I left it in my sports car.

Fluency is a matter of knowing which corners to cut.

He hit it big in the '90s, painting PowerPoint clip art onto huge canvases.

Lust, wrath, gluttony, envy, pride, sloth, greed: the seven pillars of our economy.

Irony is a survival skill; we use it to enter paradox.

As we climbed the stairs, we passed between two large stone frogs, their eyes shining with the light of fires burning in their gaping mouths.

"I know what you're thinking. You're thinking these ESP drugs aren't working."
"Well, duh."
"Okay, then why aren't my lips moving?"

Look how worn it is. . . It's either really cheap, or really expensive.

You think you've got it bad? When I was in the Secret Service, we couldn't afford spy cameras, so we had to copy secret documents using silly putty. Drove the engineers mad when we'd deliver stolen schematics warped out of shape on a sheet of pink goo. The joke was on us, though, when we tried to use the resulting equipment. Man, I was glad when that war was over!

Suddenly I flashed back to getting picked up and swung in my father's arms when I was a child.

It wasn't really any better, but now I had something to blame it on, so I was happy.

And it's guaranteed to break in two years, so you can get a new model guilt-free!

Some people are oysters, some are grains of sand.

Oh dude, I left my air guitar on the bus. . .

thanks: Jeannie

Men like that only want one thing; to get into your BlackBerry.

Innocence is like money; it's more fun to spend than to have.

When you held it up to the light, you could see the future.

Why are problems so much more interesting than solutions?