Humor is the lubricant of tolerance.

He let me watch how he preyed on his victims; made me feel like I was above them, until it was too late.

Make it look inevitable, and people will move out of the way.

They're trying to convince you that life is more complicated than it really is; otherwise they've got nothing to sell you.

You might call me a ruffian, but I prefer to think of what I provide as involuntary body modification.

I don't mind if Big Brother is watching me, but I draw the line at inappropriate touching.

Well, I meant it ironically, so you can pretty much take it however you want.

As long as I don't think, there's no problem.

I dreamt I had to write, "Time to wake up now!" ten thousand times on the blackboard.

There are a lot of opportunities in this world for someone who doesn't know what they don't want to do.

thanks: Christina

I don't know who's the better person, the hedonist or the stoic, but I do know which one I'd rather have cook me dinner.

Muzak used to be the aural anesthetic for the masses, but now everyone just self-medicates with their iPods.

She said she'd be back, so here I am.

Do people in the tropics fantasize about pine trees?

I desperately tried to figure out why she thought this was so amusing.

I don't think I'll be able to make it into work today; my cyber-implants are having trouble booting up this morning.

Just because I want you to think I'm a slut doesn't mean I want everyone to think that.

Three-dimensional space is so old-fashioned.

He thinks he's better than me?! Of course, maybe he is...

If you spill your psyche on me, who's going to clean it up?

Welcome to the hot new game show, "Dead or Sleeping?"

I make it a policy to only wish for things that have already come true.

Does this teal scooter make me look macho enough?

I sat there under the overpass, watching a scrawny black cat picking its way between the weeds growing up between the tracks.

If no one is willing to subjugate me, I guess I'll have to do it myself!

And then, right there in the glade, covered as I was in blood and bits of fur, I found myself thinking, "What has this goat done to deserve this?"

He took compromising pictures of his girlfriend with his cellphone so he could boast to his buddies, but no one could tell if it was really her.

Well, what's your target market? If it's not boring, unimaginative people, you're going to have to rethink your entire approach.

Her wings glistened in the moonlight, but her smile was as warm as a summer's day.

There was a knock on the door, and a gruff voice said, "Thug-o-gram!"

Your body curves, but your personality is flat.
My devotion to you is met with indifference.
I hope someday we'll be together,
But all I have to show for our love is paper cuts.